April's Life Adventures

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Shiver

I was told as a child that teenagers could be very cruel to each other. I didn't really care then, but I learned how true it was later, just when my fragile self esteem should have been developing. At the start of Middle School, I had many friends. We all came from the same neighborhood, we were all the same age, and our parents were all friends. What I didn't know is that it was social suicide to take upper level classes. Honors classes. I would be forever labeled a geek and thus would be socially unacceptable. Honors English. I loved the class, but if I were to do it all over again, I would have suffered the boredom of the regular class level. The fact that I had a very pronounced limp did not help matters either. I was the perfect target.

As I walked towards my locker, a shiver ran down my spine. What would I find inside today? Would my tormenters provide me with yet another testament as to how unpopular I was? Or would I find the locker blistfully empty. If I could possibly carry all of my books in my bag, I would have done it, but the attempt earlier that week had created the need for my parents to buy a new bag. Sweat ran down into my palms making it difficult to open the lock. I asked my friend who's locker was next to mine if he saw anyone put something inside today. As always, he replied that he didn't see anything.

I twisted the numbers just wishing that for once that the anonymous letters would not be found inside. Letters with language so offensive and pictures drawn of me in derogetory positions were always included. These were signed always with pseudo names to avoid detection. I slowly lifted the latch and heard the familiar click. Taking a deep breath I swung the door open. My eyes beheld the same sight that had bombarded me for the past month. A note, covered in terrible names, pictures, and over all, wishes that I would jump off the top of the school building assaulted me.

As I quickly limped for the bathroom I felt cold inside. Shivers wracked my body as I attempted to stifle back all of the tears that ravished my senses. My mother had advised me that no matter what, I should not let them see me cry.

Even when the school counselor discovered who the culprits were, things did not improve. If anything, it made me feel worse because the very friends that I had known for my entire life, including the boy who's locker was next to mine, were involved. In fact they were the ones who started the entire thing. Eventually the notes did stop, upon the threat that they would be suspended. The looks and comments behind my back as I passed them in the halls were always present. They never once offered an apology, I never asked for one. We all grew up, High School was much the same, but eventually many of us moved away to college. Yet as we visit our parents back home in the old neighborhood, we will occasionally run into each other. Through the smiles and well wishes for each of our futures, patting each other's children on the heads with exclamations of "Oh what beautiful children!" I have a hard time suppressing the ever present shiver that comes from the knowledge that they never cared about me enough to say that they were sorry. Even if they didn't mean it.

Have I forgiven them? Yes, I suppose that I have. I stopped caring what those people thought of me long ago. I will however, never forget those terrible few months in which I was afraid to open my locker.

Weekly Anamnesis #18

Posted by April_Mommy :: 9:20 AM :: 11 comments