April's Life Adventures

Friday, December 16, 2005

Walls

I decided to join the band wagon here and write one of the weekly anamnesis from Pete and Natalie. Great idea guys.

I had a friend in high school who was not like me. At least, I thought he was not like me. We had very different moral beliefs, very different philosophies on life, and mostly we had very different homes.

Within the walls of his home one could often find yelling, anger, and most of all fear. I hated going over to his house because of how different and uncomfortable I felt. My home was one of love, comfort, and rarely fear.

Rex* introduced me to the first primitive internet. Actually, we would just use a modem to dial into a server where we could all chat together. You had to have a user name which was never your own name. You could literally be anyone. I chose to join into this fun room, where I met all kinds of people. Most of them were interested in this world of chat where there were few who actually knew who you were. I was a very lonely teenager ostracize by many for some physical traits of mine, but the friends that I did acquire were fiercely loyal and I loved them for it.

Rex and I would go out on weekends, I would tell my parents that we were going to a movie, yes I lied, but I knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go where we were headed. Rex and I would head to a specified meeting place within my home valley where all of us who talked over the computers would meet up and hang out. It was usually a coffee house, where I would buy an Italian soda and sit. I always felt accepted at these gatherings because these people knew me from what I said and not what I looked like or how I walked. This was before the birth of internet predators, in fact, if my children ever wanted to meet someone that they met in a chat room, I would strangle them for sure.

Rex and I both had walls. His was one of despair for his family life while mine was from my perceptions of myself and how others reacted to me. Walls are always of our own creation, I have labored long and hard to destroy mine. I ran into Rex a few years ago while visiting my home. His wall was still high and thick. I will always remember Rex as the friend who saw me for who I was and loved me for it.

I was one of the few that Rex allowed within his wall. He knew that I would accept him because of the way he accepted me. He told me once that he loved me and wanted to take our deep friendship to another level. I had to stomp on his hopes and explain that our moral differences were enough to keep us apart romantically. His wall suddenly came between us because I had hurt him. Not intentionally, but I did hurt him. Do I regret this? Of course I do, but really, it wouldn't have worked out. I only hope that some day he is able to allow another within those thick walls. Thanks Rex for loving me and showing me that we were not so different after all. We both only longed to belong somewhere.

*of course Rex is not his real name :-)

Posted by April_Mommy :: 5:00 PM :: 5 comments